Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
