I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
