So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
