Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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