One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
