I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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