i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
