I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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