oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
