That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
