someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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