lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
