Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
