i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
