when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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