Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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