walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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