My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
