So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize