Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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