also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
50% drunk capacity currently
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
