Just fell off a train. Bad.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize