like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Randomize
