i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
