I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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