ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
