Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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