The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
