Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
