I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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