Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
