My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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