oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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