Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
