Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
