im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize