Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We're too hungover to prance.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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