Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Randomize
