I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
