Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
