I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
