i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
