Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
