why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
