the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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