my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
