my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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