I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
