i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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