I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
