Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
