So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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