I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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