Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
