I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He shit in the fireplace
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize