Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
