Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
