Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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