I think my fart just growled at me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
